Bitable chunk...

I can't believe I haven't touched this blog for 9 days. It's been a long week.

I couldn't bring myself to posting; I wasn't doing well on the drinking side. Or on the not drinking side, should I say.

I went to see my psychiatrist on Monday. It was good. He recommended Campral.

Last week, I ended up having more 'bad' days. I had 4 drinking days in total, consuming 17.5 units worth alcohol. ... I would have thought it should be smaller than that. I didn't feel drinking anything! Considering the national recommendation is 14 units for women, 17.5 is already 'bad', though...

This week, so far I've had 2 drinking days. Especially yesterday was bad. I had 500ml of wine. Monday wasn't good either, considering I went to an off-licence on the way back from the psychiatrist's. It always happened when I went to see my clinical psychologist. On the way back home, I couldn't resist getting a bottle. Just as if I was free from guilt after meeting him. Just as if he had given me a permission by not dragging me up onto the wagon.

But I know I shouldn't punish myself for not being perfect. I should appreciate the improvement I'm making. 4 days of drinking are better than my usual 7 days. 17.5 units are better than my usual 60 units.

Cut the problem into a bitable size. That's what I have to do.

Hope I will be happy tomorrow.
Catties

Done

.. so I've failed. I opened the bottle of Chablis, and had a glass or two. I think it was about 300ml. Much less than my usual 750ml, but that's not the point.

I've drained the rest of the wine down the sink. But that's hardly the point.

My head is throbbing, with the actual alcohol in my system for the first time in the two days, as well as a huge guilt. But the worst bit is NOT the (instant) hangover or guilt; but "the shall I or shan't I" battle leading to the decision (or defeat).

What does this make me?

I'll finish my (v. late) dinner, and go to bed. Tomorrow will be another day.

New year, new me!

A happy new year to everyone who happens to be stopping over my blog at this minute, or those who will in the near future but don't know they will yet! It's 1st Jan 2007. It's the beginning of the new year. But as usual, it's gloomy outside...

IT'S DAY 3!!! I think it's almost 36 hours since I had my last drink. I can tell you it's been tough going. As I write this, I am really craving a nice chilly glass of my cava. Even talking about it makes me thirsty and slightly dizzy. Hope it's not a physical withdrawal symptom.

I also have a headache. Need some pain killers. It is most likely still to be my cold I got around 2 weeks ago. I had a most horrendous soar throat this Christmas. But addiction is an astonishing surviving creature. Even in the circumstance which was stretching my physical strengths to the limit, it did not give up even a bit.

I need to rewire my neural network.

May my 2007 be a free one.

My second Hogmanay (in Scotland... well, wherelse?)

It's already on the 31st! I am still on the computer. Have been working for my students since the last post! Slightly regretting I said I'd make preparation for their experiments. But, hell, I said that. Actually, the work itself is not too bad. It's just too much donkey work. Really stressed.

I have made at least one small progress on my blogging life: I have managed to add a 'hit counter' to this blog. Technically, it's not really attached anywhere on this blog, as I opted for an 'invisible' one, which means (as I understand it) it will prevent others knowing how unpopular, or literally invisible, my blog is. That sounds great. I get easily ashamed :) I wonder if I'm alraedy contradicting to myself: on one hand I say publishing is a secondary purpose in my blogging, but on the other hand, I am being so self-concious. But I suppose that's part of the game.

I am getting more tense. When was the last time I had a drink (not a soft kind), I wonder. About 12 hours ago, I assume. I fell asleep on my new sofa while watching telly. Can't remember what the programme was.

No wonder I am tired. It's almost 4am. Better go to bed. The cats are already asleep in their own comfy places of the moment. But they are such loyal sweeties they are in the same room as me, as usual.

Can't remember how many times I've thought about drinks in the last few hours. But I really shouldn't let the reflection let me down. It's normal to think about it if you're trying to do something about it. It's not necessarily a bad sign. Besides, who cares whether it's bad or not. I don't have much choice other than sticking to this.

I can do it. I know I can.

Will grab the cats, and off to bed. Night-night...

26 hours till the New Year, and here I am...

Just came up with this idea: why don't I start a blog.

I had no idea how to make a blog, but have visited millions and millions in the past couple of years or so, often unexpectedly (guided from a google search). Usually blogs turn out to be quite useful when I search for information about specific things on the Internet. For example, the last blogs I happened to visit were about the famous Swedish Kalles Caviar manufactured by Abba Seafood (no relation to the 70s singing sensation) - I was looking for 'real' people's voice about using the cod roe paste as pasta sauce!

But really, like the majority of bloggers out there, for me, the main purpose of starting a blog is NOT to supply useful and accurate information to the world, but to keep a catalogue of my thoughts and publish it.

To be honest, the 'publish' bit is secondary. It's just a gimmick to motivate my writing. I know saying this makes me sound completely pretentious. But it IS true.

So what's the primary reason? I suppose I am alcoholic - but the term is probably not that fashionable and not that often used in the medical profession, so I should say I am alcohol-dependent. Or whatever. Doesn't matter what to call my condition, but what's important is that I HAVE DECIDED TO QUIT. COMPLETELY.

OK, perhaps for the 100sth times. But I won't shout to the world that this time will be different.

But the important thing is: I feel determined. I feel the time is right.

Coming from the Far East, the new year is special. A good timing to start something new. And my psychiatrist (wow, I sound like a celeb! - or was it a therapist they are supposed to have?) suggested I should consider total abstinence.

And he also suggested I write a diary.

So here I am. Listening to Joss Stone, and drinking COFFEE. I am taking my very first step.

Step to freedom. I really hope so.